America is the only country in the world where you can burn the flag but can't tear the tag off the mattress. Jackie Mason More Quotes by Jackie Mason More Quotes From Jackie Mason Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money. Jackie Mason inspiring love funny My grandfather always said, Don't watch your money, watch your health. So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather. Jackie Mason one-day grandfather watches Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. . . . That's me . . . But to my wife . . . Jackie Mason girlfriend wife thinking Blacks can get into medical school with a lower grade ... If that's true, a Jew should be able to play basketball with a lower net. Jackie Mason basketball play school It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like. Jackie Mason health age retirement My father was a very successful businessman, but he was ruined in the stock market crash. A big stockbroker jumped out the window and fell on his pushcart. Jackie Mason successful father window It is easy to tell the difference between Jews and Gentiles. After the show, all the gentiles are saying 'Have a drink? Want a drink? Let's have a drink!' While all the Jews are saying 'Have you eaten yet? Want a piece of cake? Let's have some cake! Jackie Mason cake pieces differences On the murder of New York deli owner Abe Lebewohl: It's almost like wiping out Carnegie Hall. A sandwich to a Jew is just as important as a country to a Gentile. Jackie Mason important new-york country Ten years ago if you would have told me that Mrs. Clinton would be the frontrunner for the Democratic nomination, I'd have never believed you. Her only qualifications for office are that she's Mr. Clinton's partner. And what does that mean? The two of them stand for dishonesty and corruption. Jackie Mason two mean years I always thought music was more important than sex—then I thought if I don't hear a concert for a year-and-a-half it doesn't bother me. Jackie Mason important sex years I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something. Jackie Mason money humorous funny When most people return from Europe, they tell tales of all the sites they saw, the shopping, the entertainment, etc. Jews, on the other hand, return and say I had this slice of cake in Austria, let me tell you, I don't know how they make it! It was great! Jackie Mason cake europe hands The key is that I'm always relevant. Some of these comedians have nothing to say. They don't have any ideas so it's "F" this and "F" that. They give you a whole series of swear words and it's really just a way for them to get themselves out of trouble when they can't come up with anything. They're irrelevant and ridiculous. Jackie Mason keys giving ideas Did you know that the Jews invented sushi? That's right - two Jews bought a restaurant with no kitchen. Jackie Mason sushi kitchen two I'm still suffering from shock from the last war. I was almost drafted! Luckily I was wounded while taking the physical. When I reached the psychiatrist, I said, Give me a gun, I'll wipe out the whole German Army in five minutes. He said, You're crazy! I said, Write it down! Jackie Mason crazy writing war I can't predict the future and I don't have respect for people who try to. Jackie Mason i-can trying people The Clintons represent the highest level of corruption, but no one has the courage to mention it. Instead they talk about Rudy Giuliani. Over a lifetime of excellent service, there's never been a hint of corruption in his behavior but everybody investigates him. Jackie Mason hints corruption levels I've been watching politics for 35 or 40 years and you just never know. You can have one person win the Iowa caucus and then the whole picture changes ten minutes later. The same thing can happen again after New Hampshire. I have no idea what's going to happen with our country in the future. Jackie Mason winning country ideas I've got another friend who is half-German and half-Polish. He hates Jews but can't remember why! Jackie Mason hate half remember Prostitutes go to jail. Their customers go home and read the New York Times. In this country you're allowed to buy anything. If you need a shirt, you have a right to buy it. If you need sex, you don't. What's more important, sex or a shirt? Jackie Mason new-york country sex
