Christmas never would have caught on if it had been called Celebrate a Little Jew's Birthday. Andy Borowitz More Quotes by Andy Borowitz More Quotes From Andy Borowitz As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution. Andy Borowitz stupid-people funny believe Other countries care for their mentally ill. Making them debate on TV is just cruel. Andy Borowitz care tvs country Call me a dreamer, but I think it would be great if getting medical attention were as easy as getting a gun. Andy Borowitz medicine gun thinking I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one. Andy Borowitz technology funny people The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked. Andy Borowitz baby funny jesus Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a man Twitter, and he will forget to eat and starve to death. Andy Borowitz technology men funny Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions. Andy Borowitz cat technology funny If its platform is any guide, the Republican party is staunchly pro-life until you are actually born. Andy Borowitz pro-life republican party Thanks to the Internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence. Andy Borowitz technology funny people Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one. Andy Borowitz crazy gun funny The only possible reason the Republicans have declared a war on women is they must think women have oil. Andy Borowitz oil war thinking Now that we all agree contraception is a bad idea, let's take a harder look at electricity and soap. Andy Borowitz soap looks ideas It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads. Andy Borowitz nice money funny Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I wish mental health care was as easy to get as, say, a gun. Andy Borowitz dreamer gun wish A Romney presidency will be awesome unless you're poor, sick, gay, female, Mexican or a dog. Andy Borowitz gay sick dog If Mark Twain had had Twitter, he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn't have gotten around to writing Huckleberry Finn. Andy Borowitz huckleberry mark writing Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard. Andy Borowitz cute-christmas funny-christmas baby The real news has gotten more surreal and absurd, and my fake news, if you want to call it that, has gotten more plausible. And at some point, those two trend lines crossed. Andy Borowitz fake real two It used to be that people could be painfully boring in private. Facebook changed all that. Andy Borowitz technology witty people Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress's role. Andy Borowitz comedian usa funny
