My problem, I try to teach my kids to eat healthy food. But you get a cantaloupe, and you don't know when it's going to come of age. You have no idea - that period between when it's like, hard as a rock to when it's smushy inside, is about ten minutes.

Paula Poundstone

Categorized in : Kids Age Healthy

The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.

Paula Poundstone

cat motivational funny

It's funny that we think of libraries as quiet demure places where we are shushed by dusty, bun-balancing, bespectacled women. The truth is libraries are raucous clubhouses for free speech, controversy and community. Librarians have stood up to the Patriot Act, sat down with noisy toddlers and reached out to illiterate adults. Libraries can never be shushed.

Paula Poundstone

women truth book

I got my dog three years ago because I was drunk in a pet store. We had nine cats at the time. The cats started hiding the alcohol after that.

Paula Poundstone

cat dog years

Remember when you were considered an environmentalist when you didn't throw junk out the car window? I sure do miss that simpler, happier time.

Paula Poundstone

junk car missing

It is my wish to die of unique causes, perhaps in a high-speed tricycle crash, a bizarre stapling incient, or as a result of inadvertently sucking my brains out through my ear while trying to untwist the vacuum hose.

Paula Poundstone

wish-to-die unique brain

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas

Paula Poundstone

growing-up kids children

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.

Paula Poundstone

taken time funny

I don’t believe for a second that weightlifting is a sport. They pick up a heavy thing and put it down again. To me, that’s indecision.

Paula Poundstone

heavy-things sports believe

My parents got carried away with the letter P when they were naming the kids in our family. There's me, Paula, my sisters Peggy and Patty, and my brother Pjimmy, spelled with a silent P.

Paula Poundstone

brother names kids

Can you remember when you didn't want to sleep? Isn't it inconceivable? I guess the definition of adulthood is that you want to sleep.

Paula Poundstone

definitions want sleep

When a woman extends her hand for you to shake it, then you shake her hand. You do not turn it up and kiss it. And it is just so creepy. Because, you know, I handed it at this angle. I handed it at the handshake angle and so I'm not giving it to you to do whatever you want with it. I'm not loaning it to you. It's like if somebody borrowed your lawnmower and you're assuming they're going to use it to mow their lawn. You don't want to find out later they put it in the ocean!

Paula Poundstone

kissing ocean hands

I’m an atheist. The good news about atheists is that we have no mandate to convert anyone. So you’ll never find me on your doorstep on a Saturday morning with a big smile saying ‘Just stopped by to tell you there is no word. I brought along this little blank book I was hoping you could take a look at.’

Paula Poundstone

atheist morning book

I get in fewer arguments when I'm alone.

Paula Poundstone

fewer argument

I was diagnosed a number of years ago with obsessive-compulsive disorder - which everyone has, to some degree - and I have this really annoying trait where in conversation, I always steer it back to something that happened to me.

Paula Poundstone

degrees numbers years

My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'

Paula Poundstone

motivational inspirational funny

I have terrible short-term memory loss, which I like to think of as Presidential eligibility.

Paula Poundstone

loss memories thinking

When we live up to our Constitution, let's form a Conga line around the Capitol and bungee jump off the dome.

Paula Poundstone

domes constitution lines

The truth is libraries are raucous clubhouses for free speech, controversy and community.

Paula Poundstone

thought-provoking reading book

I'm really more prolific than most stand-ups. My act changes. I do fold in new experiences, new observations, whatever you want to call it.

Paula Poundstone

observation new-experiences want

I don't need a holiday or a feast to feel grateful for my children, the sun, the moon, the roof over my head, music, and laughter, but I like to take this time to take the path of thanks less traveled.

Paula Poundstone

laughter grateful children