Some people can handle alcohol. You know who you are. Some people can't handle alcohol. The police know who you are. Gabriel Iglesias More Quotes by Gabriel Iglesias More Quotes From Gabriel Iglesias You know, a lot of people think that just 'cause you work out, lift weights, eat right, and do what people tell you to do that you'll live a long live, maybe you will. But, why do people measure life by the years instead about how good the years were. Gabriel Iglesias long years thinking I don't want to die tomorrow knowing I could've had a piece of cake tonight. Gabriel Iglesias cake tonight knowing There's 5 levels of fatness! Fluffy is one of the levels. There's big, healthy, husky, fluffy and damn. Gabriel Iglesias fluffy levels healthy Why do people measure life by the years instead of how good the years were? Gabriel Iglesias people years I'm a big boy, but I can get jiggy with it. Ladies, I will go to dance clubs, and I will tear it up hardcore for a good 30 seconds. Gabriel Iglesias tears boys funny With all the classes they offer at school, how come they don't have one for common sense? Gabriel Iglesias common-sense class school When you have nothing but big friends, you never get into arguments - except one. And that is, who is the biggest? I'll let you know right now, there's only one way to settle this. We all get in a bus and we go to Disney and we get on a roller coaster - whoever gets the least amount of clicks on the safety bar is the big one. Gabriel Iglesias bars safety way I drink diet coke so I can eat regular cake. Gabriel Iglesias coke drink cake Me racist? The only race I hate is the one you have to run. Gabriel Iglesias hate race running Life is measured by how you lived it, not by the years. Gabriel Iglesias life-is years You live by the cake, you die by the cake. Gabriel Iglesias cake dies live-by We can choose our family. We can't choose our relatives. Gabriel Iglesias our-family family If you put your personal stories out there people always connect. Gabriel Iglesias personal-stories stories people Why would anybody connect to someone who has everything going for them? It's the person who has faults that people want to connect to. So people identify with certain insecurities on stage and just by me talking about my diabetes people come up to me after the show and tell me "Gabe, my blood sugar is out of control and I feel you". That's the first thing they say, they say "I feel you!". Gabriel Iglesias talking blood people I don't even have a clue as to where to find a pregnancy test. I'm looking at all the aisles... they don't have one that says 'oops. Gabriel Iglesias clue tests pregnancy I had to travel half way across the world to be called an American. Gabriel Iglesias half way world Anything is possible as long as you're focused, determined and you really want to do it. Gabriel Iglesias determined want long I'm all about showing people that I'm a little messed up, I have a lot of the same problems you have. By exposing myself and putting myself out there, people can relate to me and my act won't grow stale. I mean, nobody wants to hear a comedian say, 'Life is great.' Gabriel Iglesias comedian mean people Wearing a Hawaiian shirt, you don't ever come across as offensive. Nobody sees you as a threat. You see someone in a Hawaiian shirt, and you are like 'this guy is ready to party.' Gabriel Iglesias offensive party guy I just know you can not be on top forever. There's always going to be the next guy, and if I'm going to go down, I'd like to know I helped the next guy take my spot. You can't prevent the inevitable, but you can join the ship. Gabriel Iglesias next guy forever
