When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, and that I could talk to him and that he could hear me, and that he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up, and I stopped going to church. Jimmy Carr More Quotes by Jimmy Carr More Quotes From Jimmy Carr My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian. Jimmy Carr girlfriend funny book The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job. Jimmy Carr comedian personality jobs Saying that you don't believe in magic but do believe in god is a bit like saying you don't have sex with dogs, except labradors. Jimmy Carr dog believe sex British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray! Jimmy Carr humor funny children When people come over to my house for dinner, I always have a vegetarian option. They can make do, or they can **** off! Jimmy Carr dinner house people Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with 'I can't talk now, I'm going into a tunnel'. Jimmy Carr phones tunnels sex A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.' Jimmy Carr cancer humor funny Say what you want about the deaf. Jimmy Carr deaf nihilism want My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky." Jimmy Carr humor funny fall Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?" Jimmy Carr girlfriend funny sex I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it. Jimmy Carr self-esteem funny children I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand. Jimmy Carr humor funny thinking If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids. Jimmy Carr mosquitoes dying years When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton. Jimmy Carr humor summer funny I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat. Jimmy Carr girlfriend humor funny I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'. Jimmy Carr obvious saws helping You go, well you can't joke about race. Well if you're from a different race and that's your experience of the world and you want to talk about that, then fine. Or you can't talk about disability, but disabled comics can talk about that. Jimmy Carr different race world Eighteen years since the Chernobyl disaster. Is it just me surprized? Still no superheroes! Jimmy Carr superhero disaster years TV's not the same buzz. If someone tells you three million people watched the show last week, that's good but, when you walk out in front of 1,000, you think, 'Oh my God, this had better be good'. Jimmy Carr three people thinking The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you're just finding your feet. Jimmy Carr weight-watchers joining feet
