Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin. Joan Rivers More Quotes by Joan Rivers More Quotes From Joan Rivers I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better. Joan Rivers get-better wish grieving We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us. Joan Rivers apology humor laughing Life is a movie, and you're the star. Give it a happy ending. Joan Rivers happy-endings stars giving When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you. Joan Rivers laugh-at-yourself fool laughing I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Joan Rivers witty baby funny If you laugh at it, you can deal with it. Joan Rivers deals ifs laughing I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. Joan Rivers hilarious hate funny At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents. Joan Rivers comedian funeral age I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking. Joan Rivers inspiration memorable success Marriage isn't a contest to see who is most often right. Marriage requires being what the Japanese call 'the wise bamboo,' which means you bend so you don't break. Treat your spouse with the flexibility and respect you would give to a top client. Think how we treat clients; We smile, we are polite, we listen to their ideas. Never forget that your spouse is your most important client. Joan Rivers wise mean thinking Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you. Joan Rivers lucky funny years Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Joan Rivers calm thought-provoking enjoy I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.' Joan Rivers husband names funny If you can't make fun of yourself, you don't have any right to make fun of others Joan Rivers ifs fun Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it's happening. Joan Rivers happenings enjoy moving on is a gift you give yourself. Joan Rivers change giving moving Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card. Joan Rivers library men hands Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise. Joan Rivers wisdom wise thinking I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.' Joan Rivers mother witty funny People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. Joan Rivers funny-life money happiness
