There are really no guidelines whatsoever, because this is the kind of thing that only happens to ME. Jordan Sonnenblick More Quotes by Jordan Sonnenblick More Quotes From Jordan Sonnenblick Instead of agonizing about the things you can't change, why don't you try working on the things you can change Jordan Sonnenblick agonizing cant-change trying But nobody ever tells you in advance when you should concentrate on the good times-that's why you're supposed to do it every day. Jordan Sonnenblick good-times should What do you call a planet where bad guys stroll through life with success draped around their shoulders like a King’s cloak, while random horrors are visited upon the innocent heads of children? I call it Earth. Jordan Sonnenblick guy kings children You can be our critic. Would you dig that? (Yes, he was the last Man in America who could say “dig” with a straight face without referring to the process of using a tool to remove dirt from the ground.) Jordan Sonnenblick tools men america It was like seeing Bill Gates at age thirteen, times two. And half of him was wearing a cheerleader uniform. Yes, I know that’s a weird image. Jordan Sonnenblick half age two Chicks dig a dude who’s sporting the latest eggplant turtleneck styles. Jordan Sonnenblick eggplant chicks style Me: Well, you see, I, uh, I'm a cancer survivor. Person #1: And how's that working out for you? Me: Well, you see, I, uh, used to have leukemia. Person #2: Dude, how come you're not, like, BALD? Me: Well, you see, I, uh, I had acute lymphocytic lymphoma when I was five. Person #3: Whoa. THAT must'a sucked. I once had my tonsils out. Jordan Sonnenblick cancer survivor work-out If you promise you will get better instead of dying, I promise I will, too. Jordan Sonnenblick get-better dying promise Some kids do drugs. Some kids light stuff on fire. Me, I eat oats. Jordan Sonnenblick light fire kids It was a cheesy cheeseball, covered with Cheez Whiz and served on a bed of Cheez-Its. With a side of queso. Jordan Sonnenblick cheesy bed sides I seriously think I could have sat in the middle of the kitchen floor rubbing two sticks together over a pile of dynamite blocks and gasoline cans, and my parents would be oblivious, as long as I was keeping myself occupied. Jordan Sonnenblick block two thinking (Yes teenage boys who are fine always cry on their mothers’ shoulders until they leave a snot trail.) Jordan Sonnenblick teenage mother boys I’ll probably just stand in a corner, trying not to be noticed, until the decoration committee accidentally packs me into a box at the end of the night. There I will lie, crammed in between rolls of crepe paper, until the New Year’s dance two months from now. Jeffrey thought about this for a moment and said, Won’t they notice the box is too heavy when they go to put it away? Jordan Sonnenblick new-year night lying He said he "admired our courage" but didn't want to see us do anything to "damage our promising futures." He felt "proud as an American" that we had "exercised our right to peaceful free expression." But if we did it again, he didn't "know what action the state board of education might take against individual students." Translation: You've had your fun. Now sit down, shut up, and take the freakin' test. Or else. Jordan Sonnenblick peaceful expression fun Annette had kissed me. Who would’a thunk it? Jordan Sonnenblick You are a wonderful son, and a wonderful man. Yet another parent busting forth with the “man” thing! I’d have to check my chest for signs of hair when I got home. Jordan Sonnenblick home men son Finally the kitchen clock said 5:17. It was time to roll out. I shouted for my mom, woke Jeffrey up, ran upstairs, changed into my concert clothes, put on my shoes, and was standing by the door to the garage by 5:19—chanting “Let’s go! Come on!” (Feel free to try that at home, by the way; moms love it!) Jordan Sonnenblick mom home doors It's amazing--my parents call everything a discussion. If I were standing across the street, firing a bazooka at my mother, while my father was launching mortar back at me, and Jeffery was charging down the driveway with a grenade in his teeth, my parents would say we should stop having this public "discussion". Jordan Sonnenblick parent mother father Not, like, that, boychik, you sound like a herd of elephants charging through a music store. Jordan Sonnenblick herds elephants sound I dove on those papers like Sherlock Holmes on a cappuccino binge. Jordan Sonnenblick holmes dove paper
